Old 97's - I Don't Know What Christmas Is (But Christmastime Is Here)

Out on the third planet closest to the sun
There's a special celebration and it sounds quite fun
A jolly old fellow brings toys to everyone
On a holiday they call Christmas

Now, I'm not gonna lie, it makes no sense to me
But here's what earthlings told me about this Christmas mystery

One, two, three, four
Santa is a furry freak
With epic superpowers
He flies to every human home
In under forty hours
He's a master burglar
A pro at picking locks
If you don't leave milk and cookies out
He will put dung in your socks

If you act nicely through the night
And don't jump on your bed
Santa comes with sugar plums
And hurls them at your head
But if you're on his naughty list
He shoots missiles at your toes
He might just roast your chestnuts
With his powerful flamethrower

Rein, rein, rein, rein, rein
Deer, deer, deer, deer, deer
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmas time is here

He's compelled his creepy elves
To do his every wish
One sought to be a dentist
Now he's sleeping with the fish
Mrs Claus, she works the pole
Plans her man's demise
Soon the elves will all rise up
And stab out Santa's eyes

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmas time is here

Ho, ho, ho, ho, ho
Earthlings are so weird
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmas time is here

What the heck's a turtledove?
And who lit up that deer?
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmas time is here
I don't know what Christmas is
But Christmas time is here
Or maybe it's there?
Or it's somewhere?
I don't know
I don't know